HOW YOU CAN HELP

Many grandparents play crucial roles in the lives of their grandchildren even before there is illness in the family. Others may have much less involvement due to practical problems such as living away, other pressures on time, or their own health problems.

If You Are Close At Hand

Once the illness is discovered, most grandparents are eager to help. Clearly for those who live close to the sick child, there is no shortage of practical help that can be given. Your son/daughter may be so absorbed by the needs of the sick child that they are unable to tell you what they would find helpful. Your knowledge of the family’s usual activities will be your best guide as to what to offer, but here are some suggestions.

• Sitting with the sick child in hospital
• Lifts to and from the hospital
• Looking after any other children in the family
• Taking other children to school, clubs, football, shopping etc.
• Lawn mowing and collecting post
• Shopping and running errands
• Providing meals and stocking freezer with family favourites
• Looking after house and pets
• Generally helping to ensure life continues as normally as possible.

You may also be able to do some of the things we have listed for grandparents who live away.

If You Live Away

It can be very frustrating for those grandparents who live away, or perhaps suffer from health problems, and cannot offer practical help. There are, however, still many ways in which grandparents in this position can help. Here are some ideas:

• Providing “answerphone” service to deal with the many enquiries and pass on updates to friends and family
• Being a listening ear for your son/daughter, the sick child or other children in the family
• Sending cards/letters/e-mails/text messages to your son/daughter, the sick child and any other children to let them know you are thinking about them
• Sending activities suitable for the sick child (e.g. comic books/magazines, craft kits, videos)
• Ensuring that well children in the family still feel cared for by phoning just to see how they are, or sending them cards/gifts
• Sending practical items to your son/daughter (e.g. phone cards for use with hospital payphones, mobile phone top up cards, reading matter)
• Supporting, or even organising, local fundraising activities perhaps for a chosen cancer charity
• Becoming a blood donor or, if you are unable to donate due to age (over 60 years) or health problems, encouraging others to do so.

Supporting Your Son/Daughter (in law)

Your son/daughter (in-law) will be dealing with many difficult emotions when their child is diagnosed with cancer. They will need to find people they trust to share these feelings and worries with. For some, turning to a parent is an automatic response. However, an equal number will feel they want to protect their parents from their worries and may find it easier to share their feelings with other friends or family members. As a grandparent, either situation can be difficult.

Listening and Letting Them Talk

Although it will inevitably be painful for you to hear your child’s distress and hard to know how to deal with their fears and sadness, many grandparents feel that they would rather know than be protected. It may help your son/daughter (in-law) to simply be able to put their worries into words. You don’t need to have answers, but a listening ear can be very supportive. If your son/daughter (in law) know you understand something of what they are feeling, they may feel less alone with their worries.

Guiding them Elsewhere

Some grandparents find that they are not the right people for their son/daughter (in law) to share their worries with. This can be hard, but, in this situation grandparents can help by encouraging their son/daughter to have time with other people that they are close to. Grandparents can also help by encouraging their children to share their thoughts and fears with members of staff caring for the sick child. Most treatment centres have links with CLIC Sargent Social Workers, community nurses, Macmillan or other outreach nurses and psychologists, any of whom may be able to help.

Some parents do not feel that sharing their feelings is helpful. This should be respected as some people find that, at times, this is the easiest way of coping. If you find yourself in this situation, just show that you are ready to listen if your son/daughter does want to talk.

Supporting your Grandchildren

How Children Cope

Children, like adults, vary in their ways of coping in difficult situations. Some children will find it helpful to talk about what is happening. Others would rather be distracted with fun activities, have cuddles or see their friends. Whatever their preference it is important to be led by them. A child who says “I don’t think I’m getting better” should be encouraged to talk about why they think this. Children who change the subject when their illness is mentioned are telling you that they don’t want to talk at the moment. It is important that all children have someone to turn to for information and support, but they should choose who to turn to, and when they are ready to do so.

Children of Different Ages

Children of different ages need different things. For babies, physical affection from a calm, trusted adult is important. Toddlers and young children cannot put their fears into words. However, an adult who knows them well may be able to guess what is worrying them and give reassurance. As children become old enough to talk about their illness, it is important to try to find out from them what they understand about the illness and what their worries are. If children do not have the information they need they will often rely on their imagination to fill in the gaps. Their fantasies are often worse than what is really happening.

Children need to know that cancer is nobody’s fault, that it was not caused by bad thoughts or bad behaviour, and that it cannot be caught from somebody else. Older children may need to know that cancer rarely runs in families. Storybooks for younger children can be a safe way to talk about difficult subjects. Older children might value more factual information in the many booklets or websites available. Remember, whatever the child needs to know, simple honest answers are nearly always best.

Discipline

Following the diagnosis, parents and grandparents often feel they want to give the sick child gifts and special treatment. Naturally some treats and special consideration can give a sick child the boost they need. However, children are also reassured by normality. Most children will be used to adults treating them and their brothers and sisters the same. Gifts for the sick child with something small for brothers and sisters will be better for everyone.

Some treatments, for example steroids, can have a marked effect on the sick child’s mood and behaviour. It can be hard to maintain normal discipline for a sick child, striking the right balance between showing understanding and setting some limits. At the same time it can be very difficult for brothers and sisters if they see the sick child being treated differently. Maintaining the family’s usual rules can be very reassuring to the sick child. Being told off can convey the message that “You’re poorly now but you’re going to get better and so we still expect you to be good.” Where family rules on behaviour have to be changed, it is helpful for brothers and sisters to know why the rules have changed and that the change is only for a while. It’s important too that grandparents and parents all follow the same rules on discipline, otherwise problems can occur.

The Sick Child

For the sick child the diagnosis of cancer is likely to turn their world upside down. Grandparents are often a welcome part of life before the illness and the sick child may get a lot of comfort from familiar games and activities with a grandparent.

Sick children usually know more about their illness than adults think they do. Family members often fear what children might want to know, but children who ask questions are also likely to be able to cope with the answers. It can be helpful to try to get a better idea of what the child is asking before trying to answer a difficult question. “What makes you think that?” or “Have you been worrying about this?” can be good ways to find out more. Children’s fears are likely to be very different from those of adults. For many children the words leukaemia or cancer may mean nothing. An open approach encourages the child to also be open with their thoughts and fears. This gives adults the chance to correct misunderstandings. It is always best to check with the child’s parents about what information they want the child to have before answering difficult questions.

Well Brothers and Sisters

Well brothers and sisters often have fewer people with time to support them than the sick child. The changes they experience as a result of their brother’s or sisters’s illness may be enormous. They can often feel very left out. The whole family’s life tends to revolve around the sick child. It is easy to see why some brothers and sisters feel that they are no longer important or that they are not loved as much as the sick child. Grandparents can be particularly valuable in showing love, giving time and practical help and generally making things seem more “normal”.

If possible, brothers and sisters should always be given choices about whether they attend the hospital or are involved in the sick child’s care. It is always best to try to warn them about changes they might see in the sick child. Tubes and other changes are often less frightening if children know the reasons for them.

For more information on helping brothers and sisters ask at your treatment centre for the series of booklets aimed at brothers and sisters and those caring for them.